When conflict arises, are you speaking your truth?

Life presents us with an ongoing series of situations that can strain relationships. Conflict is a natural part of life, with the potential to arise when you face resistance, pressure, change, or merely interacting with others. It brings up uncomfortable feelings which can threaten well-being. Whenever friction arises from unmet or competing needs, wants, and values, a gap occurs, creating a “connection chasm.”

Our judgments, assumptions, frustrations, annoyances, misunderstandings, expectations, suspicions, opposing perspectives, and more can all spark conflict, an inevitable part of life’s interactions.  When that connection chasm forms, anger, whether mild or wild, can result. Yet anger doesn’t have to eat you up, pollute the atmosphere, or ruin your relationships. In fact, it’s often because they’re not dealt with, that the gap grows wider and you become distressed, drained, and disconnected by them.

When some people are peeved, it’s unmistakable; they let you know their feelings in no uncertain terms, and they “tell it like it is.” At the other end of the spectrum are those who repress, swallow, and stuff their feelings because of the discomfort they produce. Holding back powerful feelings breeds resentment and sabotages authentic relationships, which must be based on emotional integrity.

If you stuff your feelings about something that’s upsetting, you know your reasons for remaining silent–believing some matters just aren’t worth ruining a relationship, making a scene, or rocking the boat (although that boat is already riding over troubled water!) Or you’re uncomfortable with conflict and want to “keep the peace” at any price (except your own), or knowing that by admitting your unhappiness with a person or situation might set the stage for major change and you’re not ready for that, at least not now.  So you bite your lips until they’re raw and stuff it down . . . again.

But the drawbacks of suppressing your anger can add up. Over time, irritations or issues fester, and the pent-up energy from stuffed feelings can make you resentful and bitter. Not speaking your truth in alignment with your needs and values is destructive to emotional integrity and healthy relationships.  And keeping silent on issues that concern you is particularly harmful to long-term relationships. It takes an enormous amount of emotional and physical energy to keep powerful feelings stuffed inside where they silently brew. Read the rest of this entry »

In rummaging through my files tonight I came upon a “heartwork” assignment given to my daughter, Stacy, when she was 17.  Admittedly, I was a most intentional parent with a desire for her to make choices for creating a happy, purposeful life. Now eight years later, and with her wedding less than three weeks away, she definitely took it all to heart, and her life has become a reflection of living in alignment with her values and very conscious choices.

Stacy probably didn’t need any nudging, and undoubtedly with me being an author, speaker and coach on living with guts, grace & gusto, those messages swirled around our home all the time. Self-reflection and intentional living was definitely in her gene pool.  However, I was likely the one who needed the assurance that she would be launched from the nest, properly outfitted to soar with all the tools and tactics to carve out a destiny in tune with her heart. Read the rest of this entry »

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone knew the impact of exactly how all the time, energy and creativity invested at their jobs was impacting everyone–rippling throughout their circles of influence and the audiences they serve. We never really can know the full impact of how our words, actions, attitudes and creativity are making, both immediate as well as long-term impressions, and sometimes with life-changing effects.  So getting positive feedback, especially unexpected, reinforces the difference it all does make and highly valued when that happens.

Yesterday I received a message from a gentleman whose passion is mentoring success principles who found me on Facebook (love the power of social media!) Years ago Willie purchased my Building a Successful Life training manual designed to teach the importance of self-esteem, the power of our attitudes, goals, choices and putting them together for positive and productive lives.  That was back in 2004 and although we had never met, his upbeat phone presence  impressed me as a perfect model for mentoring success principles because he obviously walked his talk!

Willie’s feedback about the manual’s value was a reminder of how our circles of influence ripple out touching lives in ways impossible to calculate:  “Thank you so much for developing such a great curriculum, it has helped us develop awesome, cutting edge sessions for the young people. It has truly been a blessing to the youth that we are building up, as well as the adult instructors.” Wow! He’s really making a difference and so glad all the time and energy invested years ago is still having an impact. Getting that feedback is the real reward in knowing the difference it’s making. Willie knows the power of extending appreciation. Read the rest of this entry »

At a time when headlines of greed, corruption and identity theft have eroded trust, along comes a Manhattan advertising executive who hands over her credit card to an unemployed homeless man. Jaded spirits might think Merrie Harris, 45, to be a wee bit crazy trusting an absolute stranger, Jay Valentine,35, with her card. No doubt, it was a daring act of generosity, unwavering trust and a fine display of honesty and the noble actions of both giver and receiver.

When Valentine asked Harris for change and told her he wasn’t working, Harris said she only had a credit card. She asked, “Can I trust you?” Valentine replied, “I’m honest, yes.”

With that he bought items totaling about  $25 and returned a short time later with the card. Harris  hugged Valentine. She trusted him and expected its safe return.

Thank you Ms. Harris and Mr. Valentine (interesting connection to love) for demonstrating trust and honesty at a time when corruption, greed and mistrust are rampant. As Ms Harris said during her interview in today’s New York Post, “Are we only supposed to trust people we know? What would Bernie Madoff’s friends be saying?” What an example that shines brightly over the shadows of mistrust and dishonesty!

Valentine demonstrated his integrity with flying colors–life’s unending series of unexpected tests and big temptations. People witness how e handle life’s ever-present “pop quizzes.” With integrity and trust high on employers’ list these days, Valentine may have just landed himself a few job offers. Read the rest of this entry »

As the coauthor of Get Along with Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere, it seemed fitting to stop in Harmony,California, population 18, during my summer vacation a few weeks ago. The tiny village received its symbolic name in 1907 after business rivalries led to a killing. The townspeople realized the error of their ways and called a truce. It’s been a peaceful settlement ever since due to the intention to live and work in harmony. Now even the foliage from passion flowers to heart-shaped bushes reflect Harmony’s focus on love and resolving differences peacefully in resolving differences.

Flash forward 100 years. Getting along takes commitment and following through on good intentions to create and maintain positive connections. When tempers flare or egos arise, it requires vigilance in remaining committed to that goal everywhere we go.

As I was getting into my car the other day, parked right next to me, was a couple in full feud mode. They were screaming at one another, hurling back and forth hurtful words, obviously steamed and stinging from what had just landed in their own hearts. The man said to his girlfriend, Read the rest of this entry »